Why I’ve Been Gone (or the last three years of my life)

WHY I’VE BEEN GONE

I don’t talk about this too openly really but if you know me somewhat outside of the blog you know about my mom.  I won’t go into a lot of detail but the last three years have been a long fight for my entire family. . . here’s a bit of what has been happening:
 It was right around three years ago she got diagnosed with oral cancer.  Something generally seen in heavy smokers and drinkers, my mom who has never smoked and rarely drank was diagnosed with it.  At first it was very scary.  I’ve had an aunt (one of my mom’s sisters) who had and overcame cancer and my grandmother ( my mom’s mom) who lost her battle but this was my mom.  The person I never thought would leave.  We started going to appointments left and right and they went with a less evasive approach, electing to only remove the cancerous area and do some radiation in the area.
Fast forward a year later and my mom had what we thought was a severe sinus infection.  Her ENT wouldn’t give her antibiotics saying her body needed to try to fight it itself because of her radiation and her lymph nodes began to swell.  Her oncologist ordered a CT and it was what we feared.  Her cancer was back but this time it was wrapped around her artery and pushing on her vocal chords.  We were referred to MD Anderson where she started a large number of tests, several horrible rounds of chemotherapy, followed by 6 weeks of re-radiation of her neck when my parents temporarily moved to Houston and during which we unexpectedly lost one of my aunts-one of my mom’s sisters.  She pulled through it all.  I’m not going to say there weren’t hard times but as a family we got through it.  When she went back for her scans after radiation?  It was back again.
When it came back again it was in her spinal area, tailbone, and a few spots in her lungs.  They sent her home to do weekly treatments to “maintain” the cancer.  They moved on to the point of they could not longer cure her but they could hopefully maintain the size and keep it from growing.  After a few months of this treatment a new scan revealed not only growth but new spots again.  We moved on to her last chance for treatment, a clinical trial drug.  After one treatment of this she seemed to feel ok but lost her appetite completely and lost so much weight and grew so weak that we had to bring her to the hospital.  It was there we discovered the cancer have grown even more and that if she wanted to be able to eat she would need to have a feeding tube.  After a tough family conversation and following my mom’s request she elected to not have a feeding tube and to go home with hospice.  Four days later she was gone.

 AFTER

There are two distinct memories I will have from my mom’s disease.  One, I was the one who found her when she had just received the news and she was crying alone at home.  Two, that I was the one with her when she had passed.  But now?  Now I’m 33 and I’ve lost my mom.  There are a lot of what ifs I’m asking myself constantly and doing my best to process them.
So. . .this is why slowly I’ve faded from the blog but I’m still here and I will be back soon as I will slowly start to gain speed again so stick with me and I will get there. My mother is where I got my love of reading from and I plan on continuing to read as it is something I can do to remind me of her daily.  Thank you to everyone who offered kind words, thoughts, prayers, etc.  They were always welcomed and appreciated and I will not forget it.
kristina
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10 thoughts on “Why I’ve Been Gone (or the last three years of my life)

  1. Lindsay September 22, 2015 at 10:47 am Reply

    Love you Kiki. We’re here if you need us.

  2. Kate @ Mom's Radius September 22, 2015 at 12:49 pm Reply

    Kristina, I am so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need. We’ll all be here when you are reading to start blogging again.

  3. Amanda September 22, 2015 at 3:59 pm Reply

    You’ve been in my thoughts. I hope you find some comfort in happy memories.

  4. Candice September 22, 2015 at 4:13 pm Reply

    Love you, friend!!!

  5. Jamie September 22, 2015 at 6:59 pm Reply

    Been thinking of you lots. Always here to talk <333

  6. Emma A September 22, 2015 at 7:04 pm Reply

    I am so sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Susan (Bloggin' 'bout Books) September 23, 2015 at 12:03 am Reply

    So sorry for your loss. What a beautiful thought that you will continue to read in honor of the person who taught you to love books. God bless you and your family!

  8. Emmah (@ohloveyourflaws) September 23, 2015 at 2:43 am Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. We’ll all be here when you’re ready to start blogging again ❤

  9. Amanda @ On a Book Bender September 23, 2015 at 7:24 am Reply

    *hugs* *more hugs* You’re in my thoughts.

  10. Jess September 23, 2015 at 10:36 am Reply

    Love ya, Kiki ❤ You know I'm here for you anytime you need. *hugs*

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